Taking a Walk

I'm taking a walk down this shrouded, dark path again. I can see the footsteps I left behind but they veer off in a different direction this time. I'm going down a new path although it seems all too familiar. In my hand a candle gives me its light, the yellow flame flickering as I move. The small halo of light lets me see where I'm going if only a foot or so in front of me. There's a small comfort in that. The light is beautiful in this thick shroud around me. Looking down I see footsteps left behind by me and realize that I'm traveling down the same path only this time I can see. This tiny, flickering, flame somehow made the path appear different than before. Shadows are held at bay (even though they still reach for me), the cold bites at my skin reminding me like an old friend, and footprints leading me to the same end.

No. This time will be different. The outcome will not simply deliver itself. I will arrive at it upon my say so and arrive at WHAT I want.

.....only the foolish have nothing to say.

What Little Hope There Is

There's a chance. Don't let yourself hope too much now but it's there. It warms the cold....maybe more. You have to hope.

It comes bearing a gift, a burden.

Hindsight Escape

Take a moment to look back, reflect on what just happened. It could have easily been avoided yet it took the words of someone else to get you to realize that. But that's human nature. She told you what you didn't want to hear but needed to and you know you're grateful for that. Otherwise you would have just been like those other guys. She's grown up.
Now it's time to get back into what you know best: locking down. There are larger things you have to get your handle on that are currently swaying in the wind about to be blown away. You had your break, it's time to get back to work.
All of this is true. Going through what I did with her was eye opening yet a learning experience. However it did throw me for a loop which kept me from getting back to work at the appropriate time. I got too used to being so relaxed even though it was for a short time. She was an escape for me but she was also more than that.

Obsession

Though I sit here on this front porch swing she will never know I've been waiting for her my whole life. I pass time by ripping off scabs in hopes that they will be healed by the one I'm waiting for. The pain reminds me that I am alive but also of the failures I've gone through. An unfortunate evil but it's a reminder of what it's like in the void.


.......I'm one step behind.

Discussions with a Mind

As I lay here again surrounded by the psychobabble of my mind, sleep watches from a distance. I would like to join him instead I am face to face here with my mind. Floating along this train of thought seeming to go nowhere, one talks and one listens trying to make sense of it all. But as I said before it's all just psychobabble.

There's that ever persistent nagging of the feeling that seems to never leave but then there is another joining its ranks: anxiety. From out of nowhere a new face joins in the conversation my mind and I have been.....

.....and it all stops here.

So Simple

I look at this simple gift of a screen cover and it brings back a wave of memories. A set of those thin clear pieces of adhesive plastic makes my mind reel and heart swell with emotion. These covers were meant for my Evo but are made for an iPhone, a simple mistake made with the best of intentions.

They mark the changing of a man into someone we had to accept because the other man was not coming back. Forever changed, different, not entirely himself I see these screens and think how I will never see him again. By no means do I not cherish the current man in his stead, I could never do that. But there is more that could be done to show it. His shadow follows me, a living memory that I can only see through my life one day at a time.

You may not be who you once were, that doesn't change anything. You are still my dad. And I love you.

.......words best never left unspoken.

Slow Burn

A flame still burns at the back of it but is not a guiding light. A remembered light of a flame since passed.



.....reminisce.