A New Foe

I encountered a somewhat new type of opponent today. He was a confusing character, not someone that could be gauged or read very easily based on this first encounter. Words spilled from his foul lips and blackened heart which caused me to question certain things I had once held firm in. He circled me constantly, relentlessly, chipping away at my resolve, that thick sheet of ice I had constructed to keep myself shielded. What allowed him to affect me in such as way was the fact that I could not understand where he had come from or what he wanted. Standing there taking these words as both something to analyze and something personally, I was slowly poisoned by their essence. My mind was fraught with confusion.

This constant spiral into what would surly end in the ground tore me every which way as if by a violent whirlwind. My mood went from being curious to frustrated, to panic, as these hideous words and questions echoed throughout my mind, heart and soul. It was devastating. Something like this had never been felt before because this situation had never occurred. I traced the questions back to their origin, questioning their motives and reasoning only to end up at a familiar but old face: Fear. This was no traditional fear but a fear that had twisted itself to be less obvious, less blunt, more sly. Anxiety is the name this new type of fear went by. But how? I'm never stressed about anything. I keep my stress levels at a low at all times to prevent this kind of thing. Ah but I had left one area unchecked as of late, that regarding the One from the Past. Unchecked thoughts and possibilities had been running rampant because I had no idea how to deal with them properly. This created a compounded manifestation that exposed a relatively new vulnerability I had never thought to prepare against.

With the One that Got Away I did a lot of the work, putting too much stock in things and ending up with a barren home, all because I refused to see things for what they were. Doubts I should have had back then have appeared for fear of such a thing happening again. It may. It's entirely possible but I know what to look for now. This is also a completely different type of relationship compared to the other one. Changing, in minor form, to better interact with a person whom you care about but not receiving the same change is the origin of this anxiety.




................this is not a one-way street.

Withdrawal

It sneaks up when you least expect it to appear. Those sickly feeling tendrils of needing that fix, that thing that's always there that you care about so much. It has finally shown its face to which I say, "Be gone!" There is still a month yet to traverse before the proper dosage can be administered.

However it helps to bolster one's resolve when the clearing is finally reached. It also serves to confirm the existence of some deeper attachment, something that has been growing as noted before. Encouraging even if slightly painful. I do this for the One from the Past.


..............they will not be idle hands.

Learning Experience

I'm amazed that I could have such a revelation about things now at this point in time. The One from the Past turned out to be a lot more than I expected in the best way possible. The feeling I have with her is much different from that of the One that Got Away. Very different. And I'm glad it is.

After pining away for so long trying to get her, the One that Got Away, I managed to start something with her. It was an amazing and almost insane feeling as my previous posts would confess. The euphoria that was felt after she said 'yes' was mind-numbingly strong. I don't feel that with the One from the Past...yet. I believe that because I worked so hard to try and get someone that was trying not to get got it turned into a game that I won. I had accomplished the feat I'd been working at for so long, her specifically. Looking back I realize that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She wanted to go out and live life to the fullest, which I can understand and encourage, however she didn't want to have to worry about someone else while she did. I was prepared to join her on her quest to carpe diem but she wouldn't have me. Unfortunate but true. What's sadder is that I don't think she understood that. Or if she did she chose to ignore it. I just wish she would have told me outright is all. After all the talk about maturity...I should have seen that one coming.

The new feeling however is different in that it's a growing feeling. I can already tell. There isn't an overwhelming sense of electricity but more like a hum or energy. It's there but just needs the proper conduit to be built so it might be fully utilized. I like this feeling much more than the other one. This feels grounded, understanding, and comprehensive; it understands. Despite the challenges we face ahead of us we'll do what we can to make things work, we like each other too much not to at least put up some form of a fight. I'm looking forward to where this leads. We've already done so much yet there's plenty more to discover with one another. It's refreshing.




.......interesting experience dead ahead.

A Setup

Why do I get myself into these situations? How do I? There must be something in me compelling me to go out and set myself up for failure/disappointment. Twice now I've chosen to go out on a limb only to be smacked around by the likes of time and all its frustrating annoyances.

Talking with the One from the Past we've both told one another that we have a mutual interest, one that we would very much like to see grow and develop. There exists but one problem and that lies smack dab between us, all 3,000+ of it. And once again time becomes both my enemy and ally. Time keeps the future at bay while also spurring it to hurry towards me at a blinding pace. I know no one said this would be easy but this...2 failures in success is  not what I was expecting. My life's existence of being a contradiction seems to be remaining constant.

Once gain the toils of those wrapped around Time's finger go unnoticed; crying out like the grains of sand that they are.

.................he bends and he breaks.

Pause for a Moment to Reflect

A new character has entered into the scene and they go by The One from the Past. An unlikely reappearance but a welcome one nonetheless. However she caught me off guard and things seemed to be heading in a desirable direction but I have not yet evaluated the motives behind my desire to see things move forward. I need more time to be around and interact with her to fully form a mental image.

After 2 encounters and various online interactions an interesting night occurred. A mutually enjoyable situation arose for the both of us that seemed to foreshadow a potential future but she had to return to her place of work some distance away. It is only after she departed that I feel an ache. Even typing this now I feel wretched. I don't put myself into these situations because I know there can be very volatile outcomes if things haven't been evaluated properly and they hadn't been. These kinds of things should happen after a proper evaluation has been made so that it does not skew the result.

Now what I've done is put myself on the receiving end of the situation I had earlier this year. As amusing as it is the fact that things must now be sifted and examined even more closely both annoys me and concerns me. I've made more work for myself simply by not adhering to the same structure I've used to guide myself thus far. My main concern is that I may be leading  under false pretenses, the worst outcome and last thing I would wish to have happen. 

Perhaps this is the time to evaluate the situation properly. With her gone there is plenty to examine and more than enough time to make a call. The current situation needs to be taken into proper account as well as what the future may hold. Unfortunately the future is unknown right now, she may even end up staying on the far end of things. What you are doing is putting too much stock into a single moment that, while it means a good deal to you, it doesn't hold nearly as much weight in the grand scheme of things. Who knows, things could continue down this road as is. The point is, stop, take a breath, and calmly look at things objectively just like you've always done. You will find your answer. Also don't forget to ask the Man Upstairs for a little help. We both know you could use it.

............committed in the heat of passion.

The Color Green

A sick and ugly thing the twisted root of jealousy. It brings with it that feeling of something lost that was rightfully mine.

..........God damn you.

Something Done Right

It's amazing when I think about it. I actually did something right when I had never been in that given situation before. How in the world...? I simply can't fathom this new info to the point where it's almost alien, if it already isn't.

Everything I did was in hopes that the outcome would be worth it and it was. Yes it ended prematurely but it was a feeling I had never experienced before. Euphoria is how I decribed it and she felt it too! I tried. I succeeded. I failed. An unfortunate end but there is still hope for down the line. This adds to the meaning.

Dead to rights MINE! THAT'S what that was! What should have been mine, everything worked, things were mutual, it was the ONE thing...I guess not everything worked out. Here's where I get a bit preachy bc I know it wasn't my doing that got me this far. God above had a hand in all this. I know He did. I had no idea what I was doing, it was a 'play by ear' sort of thing and He gave me all the notes. I prayed about this situation before hand, asking for guidance in what to do and He answered with some of the best time in my life. I thank Him.

Then there's the matter of separating. Every cloud has its silver lining and I believe I found it. Talking with her has turned my wavering held breath into a solid one because of how she felt. Knowing that I did things right adds a whole new support to what I had previously constructed. And you know what? I've called this a taste test. Before entering into things I prayed, like I mentioned. My previous posts will show how alone and empty I felt and it needed fixing because it was tearing me apart. God guided me into this relationship, then guided me out, knowing I would be filled to the brim and wanting more. Not to make Him sound like He's toying with me though. Both of us were busy with our paths of life and it would have been crazy to maintain anything. I believe that once established, like I originally planned, things can be picked back up again. I do so honestly believe that. However, I will not remain idle, for that would be foolish. I don't know what God will have in store later or how things will work. This life won't go to waste.

..........I never thought it could be done.