Discussions with a Mind

As I lay here again surrounded by the psychobabble of my mind, sleep watches from a distance. I would like to join him instead I am face to face here with my mind. Floating along this train of thought seeming to go nowhere, one talks and one listens trying to make sense of it all. But as I said before it's all just psychobabble.

There's that ever persistent nagging of the feeling that seems to never leave but then there is another joining its ranks: anxiety. From out of nowhere a new face joins in the conversation my mind and I have been.....

.....and it all stops here.

So Simple

I look at this simple gift of a screen cover and it brings back a wave of memories. A set of those thin clear pieces of adhesive plastic makes my mind reel and heart swell with emotion. These covers were meant for my Evo but are made for an iPhone, a simple mistake made with the best of intentions.

They mark the changing of a man into someone we had to accept because the other man was not coming back. Forever changed, different, not entirely himself I see these screens and think how I will never see him again. By no means do I not cherish the current man in his stead, I could never do that. But there is more that could be done to show it. His shadow follows me, a living memory that I can only see through my life one day at a time.

You may not be who you once were, that doesn't change anything. You are still my dad. And I love you.

.......words best never left unspoken.

Slow Burn

A flame still burns at the back of it but is not a guiding light. A remembered light of a flame since passed.



.....reminisce.

Re-run

I just want to return back to a normal life.

.....it was all said and done.

Burned Bridges

To rebuild them or leave them burned. Some would have called it rash, others justified. Now I sit here thinking about the options I can persue and the impact they would have on my life. More in the short term than anything else. But....

.....we need to talk.

Spoken for Itself

It's times like these that make me regret past decisions. A relapse to trigger everything back into a state of gloom. This one word becomes the dominating thought, feeling, and perception that seems to never relent.

.........lonely.

Relapse

I've never forgotten what happened, how things got in the way (or who), what could have been and all that jazz. That memory still lives in the back of my mind continuing on without much say from me. Again the heart and the mind battle it out for control while the personality is caught in the middle of it all. It almost seems like I've put myself back into that same position 3 years ago struggling to keep myself from unfurling at the seams. Moving on is important as is not being the one to fall for the ones I have no chance with. You reminded me of the good times and why I enjoyed spending so much time with you. Yet here I lament of love lost despite knowing I can get past it.

I think recent events are to blame for this though. The locked down mechanism stirring to action because some have found a..."key" or fuel to reawaken this out of control thing. It hasn't all been for loss however. There has been a lot of growth inside but a lack of control or direction to point the energy of that growth. Life and myself are to blame for that. I know where I have failed, where I need to improve, and so forth while life has gone on its merry way of throwing kinks in the works. That's what life does, it moves without care and we just have to make it all work as best we can.

.....I've relied too much on my own power and strength of will.