What Have I Done...

I'm going to break from my typical fashion of writing, being vague, using metaphors/similes and such things, in favor of focusing on what all is going on. This is more a documentation for myself in the future than anything else. This is about finally connecting and being with the one that got away.

I wouldn't call it bliss but more along the lines of euphoric. A complete and utter feeling of being whole, complete and having a different kind of happiness come from that. It feels like something that has slowly grown from the smallest spark, to an ember, to a flame, and now to a fire. Should that feeling reach a higher level remains to be seen. At the moment I'm perfectly happy and content with where I stand. But it is where I am about to move that pains me.

I'm returning back to school, a good 2 hours away from home and the girl that has brought me so much warmth in so few days. Being such a fresh relationship I fear the worst but hope for the best and use it as a chance to make things stronger. When I get back I have no doubt that I'll be able to switch gears and focus on the tasks at hand that require immediate attention. We both understand this. However I fear the most the thing that could happen: I become just another someone in her mind. There is no fear of another moving in, no. She has my complete and utter trust as I'm sure I do hers.

She kissed me for the first time today...I wish I had looked into her eyes more while I could. I am now seeing a side to her that I didn't know existed, one that was locked away much like mine but only with tighter lock and key. I'm doing all I can to not waste/ruin this precious thing I have. She means everything to me after all.

There will be a definite spring in my step, a confidence not felt ever before, a bright spot in my otherwise darker thoughts. If the memories I've managed to keep have been as powerful as they are then the new ones I've made with her will be all the more powerful. Keeping my heart and all its wants in moderation is not an easy task but one I'm happy to perform for the sake of her. After 7 years of waiting I can rest whole heartedly.

...to deserve such brilliance? I am forever grateful.

Control the World

A world that has been filled, completed, ultimate success has been achieved. Yes it has finally happened and I have a feeling of being full and whole...finally.

Prophetic

I had a dream the other night. It was depressing. In it I failed to talk with and share how much I cared for a certain individual. Normally one would just write it off as a bad dream and go about one's day. Unfortunately it involved 'the one that got away'.

My failure to achieve what I've longed to do even in my own dreams would seem like a prophecy of what is to come. But I don't put stock in such things. Instead what it made me do was look at how this whole situation is affecting me. I'm slowly being torn apart, eaten away at because action of my doing hasn't been performed.

Other related events only help to compound the matter, leaving me with anxious feelings and a dishevled mind. I've made this resolution before with little to show for it but this is different. I know I can succeed because I've done it before.

.....to ask is to receive.

Where Have You Gone?

You were there, unmoving, solid state, guiding everything that went on under this roof. You had a plan for nearly everything and even in those instances where you didn't you turned the situation to your favor. Short tempered you charged through issues wrestling them into submission with your quick whit and rationale, you were formidable. Looking up to you there would always be a piece of advice you could share with me to help me, be it straight forward or between the lines. But most importantly I could confide in you. Where some, if not all, of my friends failed you were there to listen and calm the fears, anger, terrors, that welled up inside me.

Now I sit here wondering just where you went. You left that day, never to return. In your stead was a completely different person who I had to get used to all over again. No longer was there this high strung, short tempered, fastidious, domineering man, but instead...something that I could no longer place unshakable confidence in. I value that you are still with me, life would have been only more tumultuous without you. However losing that powerhouse of a person that I looked up to, modeled myself after left a shadow on the memories that had been made.

Since that day I had lived with your shadow as my guide, hoping to hold onto a fading perception for as long as possible before crashing back to life. I knew you were different. I didn't deny that. Where my friends now fail I no longer have that solid figure I looked up to. There is a hole, pit, that grows larger with the realization tonight that who I once confided in no longer exists.

Dad.......where have you gone?

Frozen Fortress...Petrified Prison

The cold, unmoving place locked down for years finally began to show what it truly was. Coated with sheets of ice, layers thick, the original structure could not be seen through the frozen armor. To find a way inside meant to brave the very cold that created the fortress, standing solemn and alone.
But the environment turned it to its advantage. For while the sheets of ice kept the fortress impenetrable it also made it inoperable. Whatever had resided within had now become entombed by the place and its frozen plate-mail. The foundations shuddered under the brittle cold, the beams and quarters glazed over with a clear polish. It creeped everywhere. And now the fortress would begin to feel the paralyzing bite of a winter cold...alone.
.......never found the words to say.

Taking a Walk

I'm taking a walk down this shrouded, dark path again. I can see the footsteps I left behind but they veer off in a different direction this time. I'm going down a new path although it seems all too familiar. In my hand a candle gives me its light, the yellow flame flickering as I move. The small halo of light lets me see where I'm going if only a foot or so in front of me. There's a small comfort in that. The light is beautiful in this thick shroud around me. Looking down I see footsteps left behind by me and realize that I'm traveling down the same path only this time I can see. This tiny, flickering, flame somehow made the path appear different than before. Shadows are held at bay (even though they still reach for me), the cold bites at my skin reminding me like an old friend, and footprints leading me to the same end.

No. This time will be different. The outcome will not simply deliver itself. I will arrive at it upon my say so and arrive at WHAT I want.

.....only the foolish have nothing to say.

What Little Hope There Is

There's a chance. Don't let yourself hope too much now but it's there. It warms the cold....maybe more. You have to hope.

It comes bearing a gift, a burden.