A Setup

Why do I get myself into these situations? How do I? There must be something in me compelling me to go out and set myself up for failure/disappointment. Twice now I've chosen to go out on a limb only to be smacked around by the likes of time and all its frustrating annoyances.

Talking with the One from the Past we've both told one another that we have a mutual interest, one that we would very much like to see grow and develop. There exists but one problem and that lies smack dab between us, all 3,000+ of it. And once again time becomes both my enemy and ally. Time keeps the future at bay while also spurring it to hurry towards me at a blinding pace. I know no one said this would be easy but this...2 failures in success is  not what I was expecting. My life's existence of being a contradiction seems to be remaining constant.

Once gain the toils of those wrapped around Time's finger go unnoticed; crying out like the grains of sand that they are.

.................he bends and he breaks.

Pause for a Moment to Reflect

A new character has entered into the scene and they go by The One from the Past. An unlikely reappearance but a welcome one nonetheless. However she caught me off guard and things seemed to be heading in a desirable direction but I have not yet evaluated the motives behind my desire to see things move forward. I need more time to be around and interact with her to fully form a mental image.

After 2 encounters and various online interactions an interesting night occurred. A mutually enjoyable situation arose for the both of us that seemed to foreshadow a potential future but she had to return to her place of work some distance away. It is only after she departed that I feel an ache. Even typing this now I feel wretched. I don't put myself into these situations because I know there can be very volatile outcomes if things haven't been evaluated properly and they hadn't been. These kinds of things should happen after a proper evaluation has been made so that it does not skew the result.

Now what I've done is put myself on the receiving end of the situation I had earlier this year. As amusing as it is the fact that things must now be sifted and examined even more closely both annoys me and concerns me. I've made more work for myself simply by not adhering to the same structure I've used to guide myself thus far. My main concern is that I may be leading  under false pretenses, the worst outcome and last thing I would wish to have happen. 

Perhaps this is the time to evaluate the situation properly. With her gone there is plenty to examine and more than enough time to make a call. The current situation needs to be taken into proper account as well as what the future may hold. Unfortunately the future is unknown right now, she may even end up staying on the far end of things. What you are doing is putting too much stock into a single moment that, while it means a good deal to you, it doesn't hold nearly as much weight in the grand scheme of things. Who knows, things could continue down this road as is. The point is, stop, take a breath, and calmly look at things objectively just like you've always done. You will find your answer. Also don't forget to ask the Man Upstairs for a little help. We both know you could use it.

............committed in the heat of passion.

The Color Green

A sick and ugly thing the twisted root of jealousy. It brings with it that feeling of something lost that was rightfully mine.

..........God damn you.

Something Done Right

It's amazing when I think about it. I actually did something right when I had never been in that given situation before. How in the world...? I simply can't fathom this new info to the point where it's almost alien, if it already isn't.

Everything I did was in hopes that the outcome would be worth it and it was. Yes it ended prematurely but it was a feeling I had never experienced before. Euphoria is how I decribed it and she felt it too! I tried. I succeeded. I failed. An unfortunate end but there is still hope for down the line. This adds to the meaning.

Dead to rights MINE! THAT'S what that was! What should have been mine, everything worked, things were mutual, it was the ONE thing...I guess not everything worked out. Here's where I get a bit preachy bc I know it wasn't my doing that got me this far. God above had a hand in all this. I know He did. I had no idea what I was doing, it was a 'play by ear' sort of thing and He gave me all the notes. I prayed about this situation before hand, asking for guidance in what to do and He answered with some of the best time in my life. I thank Him.

Then there's the matter of separating. Every cloud has its silver lining and I believe I found it. Talking with her has turned my wavering held breath into a solid one because of how she felt. Knowing that I did things right adds a whole new support to what I had previously constructed. And you know what? I've called this a taste test. Before entering into things I prayed, like I mentioned. My previous posts will show how alone and empty I felt and it needed fixing because it was tearing me apart. God guided me into this relationship, then guided me out, knowing I would be filled to the brim and wanting more. Not to make Him sound like He's toying with me though. Both of us were busy with our paths of life and it would have been crazy to maintain anything. I believe that once established, like I originally planned, things can be picked back up again. I do so honestly believe that. However, I will not remain idle, for that would be foolish. I don't know what God will have in store later or how things will work. This life won't go to waste.

..........I never thought it could be done.

Lack of Escape

It seems like it's been a while since I last opened the valve of waking mind but only a short month has gone by. What's better is that there has been no cause or need to spill this mind upon the virtual page until tonight.

 The oddest thing set me off...a fan-fiction. Rarely do I pay any attention to such things but for some reason I stopped to read this one tonight and ended up down this dark road of memories again. Sitting here picking at my scars once again, for that's what they have finally become, the dull ache returns and I am transported back to it all. Being together, having that wholeness, finally finding that thing that would take up my wandering mind...all back again. There but stands one glaring memory separated from the rest spurred by this fan-fic, that of a single kiss. It was the first kiss I received from her, caught unawares I stood dumbstruck then smiled a big stupid smile as I held her. To have that again...

 Alas I cannot wear out the memory. These fade over time should they be dredged up from the lockbox and I would not have that happen. For the most part I have healed but a memory such as this needs to be kept as warm as the day it was created. There are no more words for this page. I only hope to find solace in slumber, hoping memories do not give way to nightmares. To fall fast asleep in no time at all would be a mercy most pleasant.


......"I will always be here for the rest of my life."

Frame of Mind

Looking back at those words, lightly picking at the still healing scab, I feel the faint glow of how happy I was. Not to say I'm depressed but that I feel the whole happiness I once had. It's a rare thing and those words will hold that frame of mind until I die. They matter that much.

..........removed from reality.

Give me a Sign

The tired cliche of "a fire burning in my heart" rings true now more than ever. I know why it's used as often as it is, because it's exactly what it feels like. There burns within me a sensation that feels as if it would consume everything it touches were I not in control. It drove me to the edge of my sanity when I first felt it and it does so once again. This time is different however. It's changed and is no longer a roaring inferno threatening to dissolve my sanity. What once was a fire used to light the way has become a glow of embers used to keep you warm in the back of my mind, something I must wait to be ready. I promised I would live my life and I intend to do so. What I didn't say is you're worth waiting for.

For the Sake of Memory

This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.

Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.

I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.

Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.

For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.

"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."