Give me a Sign

The tired cliche of "a fire burning in my heart" rings true now more than ever. I know why it's used as often as it is, because it's exactly what it feels like. There burns within me a sensation that feels as if it would consume everything it touches were I not in control. It drove me to the edge of my sanity when I first felt it and it does so once again. This time is different however. It's changed and is no longer a roaring inferno threatening to dissolve my sanity. What once was a fire used to light the way has become a glow of embers used to keep you warm in the back of my mind, something I must wait to be ready. I promised I would live my life and I intend to do so. What I didn't say is you're worth waiting for.

For the Sake of Memory

This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.

Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.

I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.

Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.

For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.

"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."