It seems like it's been a while since I last opened the valve of waking mind but only a short month has gone by. What's better is that there has been no cause or need to spill this mind upon the virtual page until tonight.
The oddest thing set me off...a fan-fiction. Rarely do I pay any attention to such things but for some reason I stopped to read this one tonight and ended up down this dark road of memories again. Sitting here picking at my scars once again, for that's what they have finally become, the dull ache returns and I am transported back to it all. Being together, having that wholeness, finally finding that thing that would take up my wandering mind...all back again. There but stands one glaring memory separated from the rest spurred by this fan-fic, that of a single kiss. It was the first kiss I received from her, caught unawares I stood dumbstruck then smiled a big stupid smile as I held her. To have that again...
Alas I cannot wear out the memory. These fade over time should they be dredged up from the lockbox and I would not have that happen. For the most part I have healed but a memory such as this needs to be kept as warm as the day it was created. There are no more words for this page. I only hope to find solace in slumber, hoping memories do not give way to nightmares. To fall fast asleep in no time at all would be a mercy most pleasant.
......"I will always be here for the rest of my life."
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Frame of Mind
Looking back at those words, lightly picking at the still healing scab, I feel the faint glow of how happy I was. Not to say I'm depressed but that I feel the whole happiness I once had. It's a rare thing and those words will hold that frame of mind until I die. They matter that much.
..........removed from reality.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Give me a Sign
The tired cliche of "a fire burning in my heart" rings true now more than ever. I know why it's used as often as it is, because it's exactly what it feels like. There burns within me a sensation that feels as if it would consume everything it touches were I not in control. It drove me to the edge of my sanity when I first felt it and it does so once again. This time is different however. It's changed and is no longer a roaring inferno threatening to dissolve my sanity. What once was a fire used to light the way has become a glow of embers used to keep you warm in the back of my mind, something I must wait to be ready. I promised I would live my life and I intend to do so. What I didn't say is you're worth waiting for.
For the Sake of Memory
This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.
Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.
I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.
Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.
For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.
"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."
For the Sake of Memory
This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.
Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.
I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.
Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.
For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.
"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Shattered Fortress
Finally after waiting through the years, watching others dabble, seeing the smiles, the heartbreak, the depth, the shallowness, you were handed the key to the fortress. You welcomed it as I welcomed you but we both knew about the shadow you brought with you. The sheets of ice you managed to clear away in one night that had taken years to construct. It amazed me to feel what I had so longed for. The One That Got Away was finally home. But it was not to last. Soon the shadow that I feared grew to engulf the fortress and bring it crashing down around me...around us. Once a beautiful place of safety, comfort, and pride now a smoldering wreckage of what had been.
All was not lost. For you helped me to pick up the pieces...not entirely but enough to keep the fires of what we had had alive. You left, pulled back into the world by the shadow. I don't blame you, I never could or will. We knew the risks, the price, and we continued forward. For the time that this place was finally warm and full it was so very worth it. We still have the foundation to build from but that will take time, something it seems you never have enough of but I have in abundance. I will rebuild for there is a kingdom left to rule that must continue on. Know that I will be here, within this fortress of ice, waiting for it to be melted again for the final time.
For The Sake of Memory
This time needs to remembered so I never forget it. I highly doubt that will happen as it has added another scar to this already calloused heart. After waiting through 7 years, closer to 8, I finally entered into a relationship deemed worthy of lasting but as things turned out that didn't happen. It wasn't a lack of feeling on her end or anything but a concern that she wouldn't be able to keep up her end of things. Much like I viewed relationships during my HS years she sees them as something that can wait so that she can make sure her life is in proper order. A respectable and understandable way of thinking. We couldn't see the future but we both knew things had the potential to end up bad, which they did.
She meant everything to me. She still does. Which is why I'm grateful that instead of completely cutting things off and never having a chance ever again we remain friends. Yes it would seem like a fool's game to play, an extremely one sided gamble, but in this case I know that it is not. It is for this reason that I will enter the waiting game once again. However I will not wait exclusively for that would waste a life left to live. She will always be on my mind and in my heart but in that reserved spot that says, "I will do anything and everything for you until you're ready. I will be here when you need me to be." Speaking to myself for a moment...You will move on, not forgetting but not remaining stuck, and you will work to the end that you know you can achieve. It's real. It's there. All you need to do is make sure there is a future there for it to take hold and grow into what you know it can be. THAT is what you must do now. Grab the ice, put it on thick, and work through the storm.
"...I'll stand by your side, close my eyes hope will never die."
All was not lost. For you helped me to pick up the pieces...not entirely but enough to keep the fires of what we had had alive. You left, pulled back into the world by the shadow. I don't blame you, I never could or will. We knew the risks, the price, and we continued forward. For the time that this place was finally warm and full it was so very worth it. We still have the foundation to build from but that will take time, something it seems you never have enough of but I have in abundance. I will rebuild for there is a kingdom left to rule that must continue on. Know that I will be here, within this fortress of ice, waiting for it to be melted again for the final time.
For The Sake of Memory
This time needs to remembered so I never forget it. I highly doubt that will happen as it has added another scar to this already calloused heart. After waiting through 7 years, closer to 8, I finally entered into a relationship deemed worthy of lasting but as things turned out that didn't happen. It wasn't a lack of feeling on her end or anything but a concern that she wouldn't be able to keep up her end of things. Much like I viewed relationships during my HS years she sees them as something that can wait so that she can make sure her life is in proper order. A respectable and understandable way of thinking. We couldn't see the future but we both knew things had the potential to end up bad, which they did.
She meant everything to me. She still does. Which is why I'm grateful that instead of completely cutting things off and never having a chance ever again we remain friends. Yes it would seem like a fool's game to play, an extremely one sided gamble, but in this case I know that it is not. It is for this reason that I will enter the waiting game once again. However I will not wait exclusively for that would waste a life left to live. She will always be on my mind and in my heart but in that reserved spot that says, "I will do anything and everything for you until you're ready. I will be here when you need me to be." Speaking to myself for a moment...You will move on, not forgetting but not remaining stuck, and you will work to the end that you know you can achieve. It's real. It's there. All you need to do is make sure there is a future there for it to take hold and grow into what you know it can be. THAT is what you must do now. Grab the ice, put it on thick, and work through the storm.
"...I'll stand by your side, close my eyes hope will never die."
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Training Day
Having only 3 days to spend with the person I cared most about in the world before heading back to reality, school in this case, was rough. It was more than that though, it showed me the kind of preparation I'd have to take in order to survive in my own head.
In the moments of quiet where I have nothing to do to keep my mind focused on otherwise important issues I feel like how a crazy person must feel. Sanity seems to slip away from my grasp and fragmented thoughts begin to inject themselves into my consciousness, wanting to be listened to. These fragments, I know, come from my lack of experience. She's the one I care the most about in this world. That feeling is amazing and euphoric but I know that if I let it all go at once it will ruin everything I've worked for.
Moderation has been my presiding function, it seems, in life and I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping the right amount of whatever in check while allowing the proper amount. This emotion is completely different I've found out because...I completely care for this person. It also has to deal with having waited so long, been out of the game biding my time for the right person and now I've finally found someone. It's much like the end of a long run or race, you've reached the front of e pack and can see the finish line but you aren't done yet. I know I need to keep my vigilance up and train myself to not undergo this dramatic change. More time is needed.
...but how much longer can I wait?
In the moments of quiet where I have nothing to do to keep my mind focused on otherwise important issues I feel like how a crazy person must feel. Sanity seems to slip away from my grasp and fragmented thoughts begin to inject themselves into my consciousness, wanting to be listened to. These fragments, I know, come from my lack of experience. She's the one I care the most about in this world. That feeling is amazing and euphoric but I know that if I let it all go at once it will ruin everything I've worked for.
Moderation has been my presiding function, it seems, in life and I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping the right amount of whatever in check while allowing the proper amount. This emotion is completely different I've found out because...I completely care for this person. It also has to deal with having waited so long, been out of the game biding my time for the right person and now I've finally found someone. It's much like the end of a long run or race, you've reached the front of e pack and can see the finish line but you aren't done yet. I know I need to keep my vigilance up and train myself to not undergo this dramatic change. More time is needed.
...but how much longer can I wait?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What Have I Done...
I'm going to break from my typical fashion of writing, being vague, using metaphors/similes and such things, in favor of focusing on what all is going on. This is more a documentation for myself in the future than anything else. This is about finally connecting and being with the one that got away.
I wouldn't call it bliss but more along the lines of euphoric. A complete and utter feeling of being whole, complete and having a different kind of happiness come from that. It feels like something that has slowly grown from the smallest spark, to an ember, to a flame, and now to a fire. Should that feeling reach a higher level remains to be seen. At the moment I'm perfectly happy and content with where I stand. But it is where I am about to move that pains me.
I'm returning back to school, a good 2 hours away from home and the girl that has brought me so much warmth in so few days. Being such a fresh relationship I fear the worst but hope for the best and use it as a chance to make things stronger. When I get back I have no doubt that I'll be able to switch gears and focus on the tasks at hand that require immediate attention. We both understand this. However I fear the most the thing that could happen: I become just another someone in her mind. There is no fear of another moving in, no. She has my complete and utter trust as I'm sure I do hers.
She kissed me for the first time today...I wish I had looked into her eyes more while I could. I am now seeing a side to her that I didn't know existed, one that was locked away much like mine but only with tighter lock and key. I'm doing all I can to not waste/ruin this precious thing I have. She means everything to me after all.
There will be a definite spring in my step, a confidence not felt ever before, a bright spot in my otherwise darker thoughts. If the memories I've managed to keep have been as powerful as they are then the new ones I've made with her will be all the more powerful. Keeping my heart and all its wants in moderation is not an easy task but one I'm happy to perform for the sake of her. After 7 years of waiting I can rest whole heartedly.
...to deserve such brilliance? I am forever grateful.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Control the World
A world that has been filled, completed, ultimate success has been achieved. Yes it has finally happened and I have a feeling of being full and whole...finally.
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