Where Have You Gone?

You were there, unmoving, solid state, guiding everything that went on under this roof. You had a plan for nearly everything and even in those instances where you didn't you turned the situation to your favor. Short tempered you charged through issues wrestling them into submission with your quick whit and rationale, you were formidable. Looking up to you there would always be a piece of advice you could share with me to help me, be it straight forward or between the lines. But most importantly I could confide in you. Where some, if not all, of my friends failed you were there to listen and calm the fears, anger, terrors, that welled up inside me.

Now I sit here wondering just where you went. You left that day, never to return. In your stead was a completely different person who I had to get used to all over again. No longer was there this high strung, short tempered, fastidious, domineering man, but instead...something that I could no longer place unshakable confidence in. I value that you are still with me, life would have been only more tumultuous without you. However losing that powerhouse of a person that I looked up to, modeled myself after left a shadow on the memories that had been made.

Since that day I had lived with your shadow as my guide, hoping to hold onto a fading perception for as long as possible before crashing back to life. I knew you were different. I didn't deny that. Where my friends now fail I no longer have that solid figure I looked up to. There is a hole, pit, that grows larger with the realization tonight that who I once confided in no longer exists.

Dad.......where have you gone?

Frozen Fortress...Petrified Prison

The cold, unmoving place locked down for years finally began to show what it truly was. Coated with sheets of ice, layers thick, the original structure could not be seen through the frozen armor. To find a way inside meant to brave the very cold that created the fortress, standing solemn and alone.
But the environment turned it to its advantage. For while the sheets of ice kept the fortress impenetrable it also made it inoperable. Whatever had resided within had now become entombed by the place and its frozen plate-mail. The foundations shuddered under the brittle cold, the beams and quarters glazed over with a clear polish. It creeped everywhere. And now the fortress would begin to feel the paralyzing bite of a winter cold...alone.
.......never found the words to say.

Taking a Walk

I'm taking a walk down this shrouded, dark path again. I can see the footsteps I left behind but they veer off in a different direction this time. I'm going down a new path although it seems all too familiar. In my hand a candle gives me its light, the yellow flame flickering as I move. The small halo of light lets me see where I'm going if only a foot or so in front of me. There's a small comfort in that. The light is beautiful in this thick shroud around me. Looking down I see footsteps left behind by me and realize that I'm traveling down the same path only this time I can see. This tiny, flickering, flame somehow made the path appear different than before. Shadows are held at bay (even though they still reach for me), the cold bites at my skin reminding me like an old friend, and footprints leading me to the same end.

No. This time will be different. The outcome will not simply deliver itself. I will arrive at it upon my say so and arrive at WHAT I want.

.....only the foolish have nothing to say.

What Little Hope There Is

There's a chance. Don't let yourself hope too much now but it's there. It warms the cold....maybe more. You have to hope.

It comes bearing a gift, a burden.

Hindsight Escape

Take a moment to look back, reflect on what just happened. It could have easily been avoided yet it took the words of someone else to get you to realize that. But that's human nature. She told you what you didn't want to hear but needed to and you know you're grateful for that. Otherwise you would have just been like those other guys. She's grown up.
Now it's time to get back into what you know best: locking down. There are larger things you have to get your handle on that are currently swaying in the wind about to be blown away. You had your break, it's time to get back to work.
All of this is true. Going through what I did with her was eye opening yet a learning experience. However it did throw me for a loop which kept me from getting back to work at the appropriate time. I got too used to being so relaxed even though it was for a short time. She was an escape for me but she was also more than that.

Obsession

Though I sit here on this front porch swing she will never know I've been waiting for her my whole life. I pass time by ripping off scabs in hopes that they will be healed by the one I'm waiting for. The pain reminds me that I am alive but also of the failures I've gone through. An unfortunate evil but it's a reminder of what it's like in the void.


.......I'm one step behind.

Discussions with a Mind

As I lay here again surrounded by the psychobabble of my mind, sleep watches from a distance. I would like to join him instead I am face to face here with my mind. Floating along this train of thought seeming to go nowhere, one talks and one listens trying to make sense of it all. But as I said before it's all just psychobabble.

There's that ever persistent nagging of the feeling that seems to never leave but then there is another joining its ranks: anxiety. From out of nowhere a new face joins in the conversation my mind and I have been.....

.....and it all stops here.

So Simple

I look at this simple gift of a screen cover and it brings back a wave of memories. A set of those thin clear pieces of adhesive plastic makes my mind reel and heart swell with emotion. These covers were meant for my Evo but are made for an iPhone, a simple mistake made with the best of intentions.

They mark the changing of a man into someone we had to accept because the other man was not coming back. Forever changed, different, not entirely himself I see these screens and think how I will never see him again. By no means do I not cherish the current man in his stead, I could never do that. But there is more that could be done to show it. His shadow follows me, a living memory that I can only see through my life one day at a time.

You may not be who you once were, that doesn't change anything. You are still my dad. And I love you.

.......words best never left unspoken.

Slow Burn

A flame still burns at the back of it but is not a guiding light. A remembered light of a flame since passed.



.....reminisce.

Re-run

I just want to return back to a normal life.

.....it was all said and done.

Burned Bridges

To rebuild them or leave them burned. Some would have called it rash, others justified. Now I sit here thinking about the options I can persue and the impact they would have on my life. More in the short term than anything else. But....

.....we need to talk.

Spoken for Itself

It's times like these that make me regret past decisions. A relapse to trigger everything back into a state of gloom. This one word becomes the dominating thought, feeling, and perception that seems to never relent.

.........lonely.

Relapse

I've never forgotten what happened, how things got in the way (or who), what could have been and all that jazz. That memory still lives in the back of my mind continuing on without much say from me. Again the heart and the mind battle it out for control while the personality is caught in the middle of it all. It almost seems like I've put myself back into that same position 3 years ago struggling to keep myself from unfurling at the seams. Moving on is important as is not being the one to fall for the ones I have no chance with. You reminded me of the good times and why I enjoyed spending so much time with you. Yet here I lament of love lost despite knowing I can get past it.

I think recent events are to blame for this though. The locked down mechanism stirring to action because some have found a..."key" or fuel to reawaken this out of control thing. It hasn't all been for loss however. There has been a lot of growth inside but a lack of control or direction to point the energy of that growth. Life and myself are to blame for that. I know where I have failed, where I need to improve, and so forth while life has gone on its merry way of throwing kinks in the works. That's what life does, it moves without care and we just have to make it all work as best we can.

.....I've relied too much on my own power and strength of will.

Conversing with the Past

I talked to you again today. It'd been a while since we had, at least in that way. Heh....I laugh to myself thinking about the reason why I was spurred to talk to you. An opening revealed itself that will never have my mark left in it. "He bends and he breaks...he exhales..."

This longing on my chest yet it makes me happy to know that it's there. To know I'm still capable of such a thing makes it so much easier to keep looking. You motivate me without knowing it. I know we have hardly any history but I've been with you this whole time.

......time will tell.

Moving Through

Stuck...not stuck, residing in a constant place looking for a reason to move. It lies as I do waiting for the other to move first but it's hard to choose. It's not hard to choose, I'm merely chained in the world I've created. Doorways are made and opened. To be strong enough to move through those doorways is all I need.

I am but there in lies a lack of reason to exert that strength that will allow me to move. Actively seeking a motive but only going through the motions. That reason is out there, must continue on to search and find it.

Toiling away in my dreams.

State of Mind as of Late

Hmmmmmmmm.......

The One That Got Away

You were perfect, you know. I didn't know it then but oh how I do now. Hindsight 20/20 eh? Really applies in this situation. We almost had our time together but it wasn't to be. Someone else moved in before I could do anything...maybe because I didn't do anything. He's pretty lucky.

I'm not bitter though. Jealous, sure. Who wouldn't be? After you see how much you've lost, only then does it sink in and it finally has. You'll always be there in the back of my mind, in that place in my heart set in stone, a memorial of what could have been. I won't dwell on it, stuck in the past, unable to move forward. No that would be stupid of me. It would only deny me the release of finding you again in someone else.

You're out there. The fact that you're here and you got away gives me hope to find you again somewhere. You helped me more than you'll know. "I never thought this would consume me." I realize what it was I felt that time ago...love. A true love that I hadn't felt before. There it was and it tore me apart, throwing everything I thought I knew out the window. I can still feel you thrumming away in my heart, a shadow of the intensity I first felt.

I'm moving on but not forgetting...I doubt I'll ever do that.

Perfection

Can it really exist? Has the formula finally fallen into my lap? These thoughts haunt me as I lay here in the dark, pondering what this could all mean....

It must still be broken down into its elemental pieces but...maybe, just MAYBE, there has been a breakthrough in its discovery. Not for me of course, but for another. Perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. "Stone cold lips and heresy..." yes it does seem like heresy but this marks the understanding I've searched for.

It does not, however, make the task which it aids any easier. I still must execute and carry out its functions. But to have the formula by which to KNOW is half the battle. Thoughts of madness cirlce my brain, on the cusp of depriving me of sleep. That's what this canvas is for, to splatter my brains upon it when such situations deem necessary. I only pray that I will not have lost this epiphany by morning. We shall see.

They Begin to Wander Again

Once again these thoughts find their own motivation perpetuated by a mere glimpse of something that could have been. It once was there but now only a phantom remains. A glancing blow of the truth that can still somehow manage to exist in this backwards, turbulent world.

"Master, master, where are the dreams I've been after? Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries." I am not the one laughing. I hope that you see that. So quickly did we both get swept up in the feeling of it that we never checked our own judgments. We both have some fixing to do and only time will tell if we can make the proper repairs.

I've taken this existence too easily. I sit with myself not doing a thing wanting it all done on my own time and now it's catching.up to me. I hope there's still time for it all. I'm running out of it. We all are. The machinacians of my mind run and bounce against my skull with no outlet. To achieve these dreams once held would allow them to lay at rest....easier said than done. The answers are out there.

Time and Its Inconsistencies

All that has flown through my mind is this notion of time. Time is the ONLY thing that remains between you and I. It creeps and crawls for you while I am away but manages to speed itself up in my presence so that so few things can be accomplished. How long will it take? There must be a hidden trove of time lost somewhere in the scheme of our lives not yet tapped.

We move forward, seeing the clearing at the end of the path, but cannot reach it at the same time. Climbing mountains, scaling walls, scraping by the narrowest of paths while you slowly move through low valleys smiling up at me, encouraging me to meet you at the end...it seems so far away.

"The current is calling me, lolling me, waving goodbye...Save me, take me home." Washed away in this life, all things passing by with but a glance in their direction makes it hard to focus and feel just what we should.

Words on a page can only mean so much. They serve a purpose to dress up the obscurities we create while delivering the death blow we demand.

I demand time! The ability to move within my own world and not have to rush to manage the worlds of others. Continued frustration will only lead to distraction which will only destroy what I just recovered from. Be my aid and help cure me.

Growth

We choose how an event shapes us. Do we hate ourselves for it? Will we learn? Does the world look colder for it? All possibilities. Yet you've chosen to see it positively. Something you could only notice by yourself and learn on your own. Painful as they may be we struggle on.

"Will I come up for air?" The same can be asked while being dragged through life. We swallow down too much life to breath and must swim to its calmer surface to continue living. The theft of our lives is committed through our failure to move on.

I'm proud of you. To see you changing before my very eyes warms my heart in a way it hadn't felt for so long. "Leave nothing that resembles a soul." The only outcome we have for ourselves if we don't follow the path you've helped yourself down. Being with you as you went down that road makes me happy to no end. We will have our time. This is merely a test to see if we can maintain what we claim we have.

A Victory Celebrated Too Early

Again life and time seem to come crashing down around my ears, while I'm forced to listed.
Failure should have been seen like a beacon or strobe but it was ignored. Anxieties, stress, and exhaustion plague a once energetic mind and body. Giving into it is desired but circumstances force me to press on. If one demand is met perhaps things will be easier.
Again the month of April, Gaypril as it has become known, taunts and laughs as I crumble beneath these weights I just want to give up. For a brief moment. To have a break, peace, nothing, to have life stop for a moment instead of pulling me on the highway.
........................not enough rest. Not enough time.

Moment of Elation

The Theft by Atreyu

 

He bends and he breaks
If you give they will take away
His passion, his pain, his grace.

He exhales,
A thousand black flowers explode
into butterflies as they're away

Rip them out, take them,
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
See him numb, see him crushed
See him numb, See him crushed
Rip them out, take them
Burn coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
Leave him numb. leave him crushed
Leave him numb, leave him crushed

Took the fire inside
One too many times
He's burning over and out now,
He fails
Up against the raging tides,
No more fights
Everything you ever wanted to see,
See it in his eyes
One more time, one more time

Climb down to test the waters,
My hands feel like they're rusting away yea, away yea.
So I'll pace around like a lamb before the slaughter
I'll stay here as long as you let me,
Decisions been made obvious so I will return
Where I started I'll stay there
Unfinished
I'll wither away

Rip them out, take them,
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
See him numb, See him crushed
See him numb, See him crushed
Rip them out, take them
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
Leave him numb, Leave him crushed
Leave him numb, Leave him crushed

The Start of the Show

And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to the main attraction. Developments have been made while other plans have been set in motion. To have that embrace once again....brilliance.

[Untitled]

A hope in the dark. May we all find one.

Between a Ditch and a Strange Place

Yet again success has eluded me. Like sand through the cracks in my fingers it fell away one grain at a time. I did all I could but that didn't matter. Others, whom the unjust gods of my world have seemed to smile upon, found a bounty in their lives, as well as lightened loads.

There has been much envy this day. Close to the point of personal destruction. Delivering one's wrath upon objects in proximity was also considered. It still enrages the heart and mind when looking out of this ditch. All that I feel I have left is the ability to wallow in what accompanies me.

Now the strange place that also resides with me is a new one. It's a trial and error sort of thing but has so far been successful. However I do feel that there are bounds that have been stepped across or flat out broken and this doesn't sit well with me. Proper precautions have to be taken but what could they be?

As for now, rest. It's a final escape from this wretched day and month which has been dubbed, Gaypril for the amount of faggotry that has gone on.

Any Given Day

Where is my mind? Sitting here typing this it wanders to and fro not wanting, seeing, or hearing but needing. Needing that one thing it doesn't know about yet. I shouldn't be listening to this but I am. There is some truth to it all I suppose. Just need to find it all.

Pirates dance around doing a jig while sailing the foamy seas, plundering all they encounter. Yar har fidle dee dee being a pirate is alright to be, do what you want ‘cause a pirate is free,you are a pirate! Escaped into the world of oceans and booty to be plundered. Taking from the hands that cared for it.

I must find a way to achieve this. There has been an acquired target and if you let it slip through your fingers once again there is no hope for you. Hear me? NO. HOPE. You've done it before so why is it so hard to do it again? Simply ask and see where it goes. But what of my appearances? There's no way I can ask like this. Do it anyway. You've got a week, make use of it. Sleep will be your greatest ally here.

Flowing through it all at high velocities not knowing which way to look let alone turn it all comes crashing down sooner rather than later. It shows no sign of stopping. Figure it out. You must. There is some light in this dank tunnel however. The project it moving along nicely and things are starting to take shape. A lot on your plate but this will prove that you know your stuff. Thank you God.

A Simple Phrase

"You are someone with whom I can share sweet nothings." No idea where this phrase came from or why it showed up but it's interesting. "...share sweet nothings.".....hmmmm. It suggests an absence of things but what those things are seem to be determined by the situation. Or maybe they aren't, who knows. Something to think about.

Missing Signs

These things are so subtle yet so obvious in hindsight. Right there in front of me yet I don't do anything to listen to them. They scream at me as if I were deaf and to an extent I am. What should have been an obvious growth turned out to be just another event, opportunity, gone by to be filed away as "What to do when..." It's disturbing. I fear stagnation and not being able to apply what these things are trying to tell me.

Heed their warning. Lost in translation and the insecurity to do what is right. Grow from this, it's all I ask of you. Otherwise I fear you will be stuck in this situation forever. Definitely not what you want to do. It will only add to distractions and get in the way if you can't solve this problem.

"No right to control the divine." Hmmm.....Falling forward I can't let this get the best of me. Holding this like so many other missed opportunities, they resonate with much greater intensity than my successes. This shouldn't happen but it does. I know I can do so much better....but maybe that's why I hate to see myself fail these things. Who knows. It bothers me is all and I need to change that.

To Begin it...

Inspired by another, this blog takes shape not to entertain or gain recognition. I am here only to lay to rest the words that run through my mind at the end of the day. This will not be updated on a regular basis or anything but rather when my conscious doesn't want to listen to itself anymore. View it as rambling, stream of consciousness, or whatever it doesn't matter. Too many thoughts are kept inside my head that they've kept me from sleep.

Fighting through it all I've finally come to a point of rest. I've needed this. So much work has been done in the past weeks that I can barely fathom it all. Yet it's been done. Well on my way into the world everything is beginning to sink in and take place. This kind of thing is an enjoyable outlet, a blank canvas to just put down what ever it is you wanted. Keep those thoughts from my mind and portray ll that has come to pass through the scope of so narrow a vision. It is here that I slip into darkness and let roam the whiles of my mind. Continuing to grow without limits are these endless waves. Forgiving and forgetting is all I want....it would be so much F**KIN better if I could but I can't. There to stir up trouble once again and all I want to do is ring its neck. Mustn't give into that. It will only give me worse sleep. rest is what I need and it is here that I hope to find it.

I'm looking forward to this movie I'm creating. Both the group project and the....J/H one. Both are looking to be very cool ideas, rough around the edges but finally someplace where I can work and perform my best. He can be a better character with better events, more memorable events at least, to drive the plot. Gotta find something more compelling, more sadistic. Really gotta put this together. Could be my breakthrough film down the road. Would be awesome if it was.

That is all for this night.