Give me a Sign

The tired cliche of "a fire burning in my heart" rings true now more than ever. I know why it's used as often as it is, because it's exactly what it feels like. There burns within me a sensation that feels as if it would consume everything it touches were I not in control. It drove me to the edge of my sanity when I first felt it and it does so once again. This time is different however. It's changed and is no longer a roaring inferno threatening to dissolve my sanity. What once was a fire used to light the way has become a glow of embers used to keep you warm in the back of my mind, something I must wait to be ready. I promised I would live my life and I intend to do so. What I didn't say is you're worth waiting for.

For the Sake of Memory

This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.

Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.

I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.

Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.

For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.

"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."

Shattered Fortress

Finally after waiting through the years, watching others dabble, seeing the smiles, the heartbreak, the depth, the shallowness, you were handed the key to the fortress. You welcomed it as I welcomed you but we both knew about the shadow you brought with you. The sheets of ice you managed to clear away in one night that had taken years to construct. It amazed me to feel what I had so longed for. The One That Got Away was finally home. But it was not to last. Soon the shadow that I feared grew to engulf the fortress and bring it crashing down around me...around us. Once a beautiful place of safety, comfort, and pride now a smoldering wreckage of what had been.

All was not lost. For you helped me to pick up the pieces...not entirely but enough to keep the fires of what we had had alive. You left, pulled back into the world by the shadow. I don't blame you, I never could or will. We knew the risks, the price, and we continued forward. For the time that this place was finally warm and full it was so very worth it. We still have the foundation to build from but that will take time, something it seems you never have enough of but I have in abundance. I will rebuild for there is a kingdom left to rule that must continue on. Know that I will be here, within this fortress of ice, waiting for it to be melted again for the final time.

For The Sake of Memory

This time needs to remembered so I never forget it. I highly doubt that will happen as it has added another scar to this already calloused heart. After waiting through 7 years, closer to 8, I finally entered into a relationship deemed worthy of lasting but as things turned out that didn't happen. It wasn't a lack of feeling on her end or anything but a concern that she wouldn't be able to keep up her end of things. Much like I viewed relationships during my HS years she sees them as something that can wait so that she can make sure her life is in proper order. A respectable and understandable way of thinking. We couldn't see the future but we both knew things had the potential to end up bad, which they did.

She meant everything to me. She still does. Which is why I'm grateful that instead of completely cutting things off and never having a chance ever again we remain friends. Yes it would seem like a fool's game to play, an extremely one sided gamble, but in this case I know that it is not. It is for this reason that I will enter the waiting game once again. However I will not wait exclusively for that would waste a life left to live. She will always be on my mind and in my heart but in that reserved spot that says, "I will do anything and everything for you until you're ready. I will be here when you need me to be." Speaking to myself for a moment...You will move on, not forgetting but not remaining stuck, and you will work to the end that you know you can achieve. It's real. It's there. All you need to do is make sure there is a future there for it to take hold and grow into what you know it can be. THAT is what you must do now. Grab the ice, put it on thick, and work through the storm.

"...I'll stand by your side, close my eyes hope will never die."

Training Day

Having only 3 days to spend with the person I cared most about in the world before heading back to reality, school in this case, was rough. It was more than that though, it showed me the kind of preparation I'd have to take in order to survive in my own head.

In the moments of quiet where I have nothing to do to keep my mind focused on otherwise important issues I feel like how a crazy person must feel. Sanity seems to slip away from my grasp and fragmented thoughts begin to inject themselves into my consciousness, wanting to be listened to. These fragments, I know, come from my lack of experience. She's the one I care the most about in this world. That feeling is amazing and euphoric but I know that if I let it all go at once it will ruin everything I've worked for.

Moderation has been my presiding function, it seems, in life and I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping the right amount of whatever in check while allowing the proper amount. This emotion is completely different I've found out because...I completely care for this person. It also has to deal with having waited so long, been out of the game biding my time for the right person and now I've finally found someone. It's much like the end of a long run or race, you've reached the front of e pack and can see the finish line but you aren't done yet. I know I need to keep my vigilance up and train myself to not undergo this dramatic change. More time is needed.

...but how much longer can I wait?

What Have I Done...

I'm going to break from my typical fashion of writing, being vague, using metaphors/similes and such things, in favor of focusing on what all is going on. This is more a documentation for myself in the future than anything else. This is about finally connecting and being with the one that got away.

I wouldn't call it bliss but more along the lines of euphoric. A complete and utter feeling of being whole, complete and having a different kind of happiness come from that. It feels like something that has slowly grown from the smallest spark, to an ember, to a flame, and now to a fire. Should that feeling reach a higher level remains to be seen. At the moment I'm perfectly happy and content with where I stand. But it is where I am about to move that pains me.

I'm returning back to school, a good 2 hours away from home and the girl that has brought me so much warmth in so few days. Being such a fresh relationship I fear the worst but hope for the best and use it as a chance to make things stronger. When I get back I have no doubt that I'll be able to switch gears and focus on the tasks at hand that require immediate attention. We both understand this. However I fear the most the thing that could happen: I become just another someone in her mind. There is no fear of another moving in, no. She has my complete and utter trust as I'm sure I do hers.

She kissed me for the first time today...I wish I had looked into her eyes more while I could. I am now seeing a side to her that I didn't know existed, one that was locked away much like mine but only with tighter lock and key. I'm doing all I can to not waste/ruin this precious thing I have. She means everything to me after all.

There will be a definite spring in my step, a confidence not felt ever before, a bright spot in my otherwise darker thoughts. If the memories I've managed to keep have been as powerful as they are then the new ones I've made with her will be all the more powerful. Keeping my heart and all its wants in moderation is not an easy task but one I'm happy to perform for the sake of her. After 7 years of waiting I can rest whole heartedly.

...to deserve such brilliance? I am forever grateful.

Control the World

A world that has been filled, completed, ultimate success has been achieved. Yes it has finally happened and I have a feeling of being full and whole...finally.

Prophetic

I had a dream the other night. It was depressing. In it I failed to talk with and share how much I cared for a certain individual. Normally one would just write it off as a bad dream and go about one's day. Unfortunately it involved 'the one that got away'.

My failure to achieve what I've longed to do even in my own dreams would seem like a prophecy of what is to come. But I don't put stock in such things. Instead what it made me do was look at how this whole situation is affecting me. I'm slowly being torn apart, eaten away at because action of my doing hasn't been performed.

Other related events only help to compound the matter, leaving me with anxious feelings and a dishevled mind. I've made this resolution before with little to show for it but this is different. I know I can succeed because I've done it before.

.....to ask is to receive.

Where Have You Gone?

You were there, unmoving, solid state, guiding everything that went on under this roof. You had a plan for nearly everything and even in those instances where you didn't you turned the situation to your favor. Short tempered you charged through issues wrestling them into submission with your quick whit and rationale, you were formidable. Looking up to you there would always be a piece of advice you could share with me to help me, be it straight forward or between the lines. But most importantly I could confide in you. Where some, if not all, of my friends failed you were there to listen and calm the fears, anger, terrors, that welled up inside me.

Now I sit here wondering just where you went. You left that day, never to return. In your stead was a completely different person who I had to get used to all over again. No longer was there this high strung, short tempered, fastidious, domineering man, but instead...something that I could no longer place unshakable confidence in. I value that you are still with me, life would have been only more tumultuous without you. However losing that powerhouse of a person that I looked up to, modeled myself after left a shadow on the memories that had been made.

Since that day I had lived with your shadow as my guide, hoping to hold onto a fading perception for as long as possible before crashing back to life. I knew you were different. I didn't deny that. Where my friends now fail I no longer have that solid figure I looked up to. There is a hole, pit, that grows larger with the realization tonight that who I once confided in no longer exists.

Dad.......where have you gone?