Growth

We choose how an event shapes us. Do we hate ourselves for it? Will we learn? Does the world look colder for it? All possibilities. Yet you've chosen to see it positively. Something you could only notice by yourself and learn on your own. Painful as they may be we struggle on.

"Will I come up for air?" The same can be asked while being dragged through life. We swallow down too much life to breath and must swim to its calmer surface to continue living. The theft of our lives is committed through our failure to move on.

I'm proud of you. To see you changing before my very eyes warms my heart in a way it hadn't felt for so long. "Leave nothing that resembles a soul." The only outcome we have for ourselves if we don't follow the path you've helped yourself down. Being with you as you went down that road makes me happy to no end. We will have our time. This is merely a test to see if we can maintain what we claim we have.

A Victory Celebrated Too Early

Again life and time seem to come crashing down around my ears, while I'm forced to listed.
Failure should have been seen like a beacon or strobe but it was ignored. Anxieties, stress, and exhaustion plague a once energetic mind and body. Giving into it is desired but circumstances force me to press on. If one demand is met perhaps things will be easier.
Again the month of April, Gaypril as it has become known, taunts and laughs as I crumble beneath these weights I just want to give up. For a brief moment. To have a break, peace, nothing, to have life stop for a moment instead of pulling me on the highway.
........................not enough rest. Not enough time.

Moment of Elation

The Theft by Atreyu

 

He bends and he breaks
If you give they will take away
His passion, his pain, his grace.

He exhales,
A thousand black flowers explode
into butterflies as they're away

Rip them out, take them,
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
See him numb, see him crushed
See him numb, See him crushed
Rip them out, take them
Burn coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
Leave him numb. leave him crushed
Leave him numb, leave him crushed

Took the fire inside
One too many times
He's burning over and out now,
He fails
Up against the raging tides,
No more fights
Everything you ever wanted to see,
See it in his eyes
One more time, one more time

Climb down to test the waters,
My hands feel like they're rusting away yea, away yea.
So I'll pace around like a lamb before the slaughter
I'll stay here as long as you let me,
Decisions been made obvious so I will return
Where I started I'll stay there
Unfinished
I'll wither away

Rip them out, take them,
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
that resembles the soul of a man
See him numb, See him crushed
See him numb, See him crushed
Rip them out, take them
Burn the coals as they crush and
Leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
Leave him numb, Leave him crushed
Leave him numb, Leave him crushed

The Start of the Show

And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to the main attraction. Developments have been made while other plans have been set in motion. To have that embrace once again....brilliance.

[Untitled]

A hope in the dark. May we all find one.

Between a Ditch and a Strange Place

Yet again success has eluded me. Like sand through the cracks in my fingers it fell away one grain at a time. I did all I could but that didn't matter. Others, whom the unjust gods of my world have seemed to smile upon, found a bounty in their lives, as well as lightened loads.

There has been much envy this day. Close to the point of personal destruction. Delivering one's wrath upon objects in proximity was also considered. It still enrages the heart and mind when looking out of this ditch. All that I feel I have left is the ability to wallow in what accompanies me.

Now the strange place that also resides with me is a new one. It's a trial and error sort of thing but has so far been successful. However I do feel that there are bounds that have been stepped across or flat out broken and this doesn't sit well with me. Proper precautions have to be taken but what could they be?

As for now, rest. It's a final escape from this wretched day and month which has been dubbed, Gaypril for the amount of faggotry that has gone on.

Any Given Day

Where is my mind? Sitting here typing this it wanders to and fro not wanting, seeing, or hearing but needing. Needing that one thing it doesn't know about yet. I shouldn't be listening to this but I am. There is some truth to it all I suppose. Just need to find it all.

Pirates dance around doing a jig while sailing the foamy seas, plundering all they encounter. Yar har fidle dee dee being a pirate is alright to be, do what you want ‘cause a pirate is free,you are a pirate! Escaped into the world of oceans and booty to be plundered. Taking from the hands that cared for it.

I must find a way to achieve this. There has been an acquired target and if you let it slip through your fingers once again there is no hope for you. Hear me? NO. HOPE. You've done it before so why is it so hard to do it again? Simply ask and see where it goes. But what of my appearances? There's no way I can ask like this. Do it anyway. You've got a week, make use of it. Sleep will be your greatest ally here.

Flowing through it all at high velocities not knowing which way to look let alone turn it all comes crashing down sooner rather than later. It shows no sign of stopping. Figure it out. You must. There is some light in this dank tunnel however. The project it moving along nicely and things are starting to take shape. A lot on your plate but this will prove that you know your stuff. Thank you God.

A Simple Phrase

"You are someone with whom I can share sweet nothings." No idea where this phrase came from or why it showed up but it's interesting. "...share sweet nothings.".....hmmmm. It suggests an absence of things but what those things are seem to be determined by the situation. Or maybe they aren't, who knows. Something to think about.

Missing Signs

These things are so subtle yet so obvious in hindsight. Right there in front of me yet I don't do anything to listen to them. They scream at me as if I were deaf and to an extent I am. What should have been an obvious growth turned out to be just another event, opportunity, gone by to be filed away as "What to do when..." It's disturbing. I fear stagnation and not being able to apply what these things are trying to tell me.

Heed their warning. Lost in translation and the insecurity to do what is right. Grow from this, it's all I ask of you. Otherwise I fear you will be stuck in this situation forever. Definitely not what you want to do. It will only add to distractions and get in the way if you can't solve this problem.

"No right to control the divine." Hmmm.....Falling forward I can't let this get the best of me. Holding this like so many other missed opportunities, they resonate with much greater intensity than my successes. This shouldn't happen but it does. I know I can do so much better....but maybe that's why I hate to see myself fail these things. Who knows. It bothers me is all and I need to change that.

To Begin it...

Inspired by another, this blog takes shape not to entertain or gain recognition. I am here only to lay to rest the words that run through my mind at the end of the day. This will not be updated on a regular basis or anything but rather when my conscious doesn't want to listen to itself anymore. View it as rambling, stream of consciousness, or whatever it doesn't matter. Too many thoughts are kept inside my head that they've kept me from sleep.

Fighting through it all I've finally come to a point of rest. I've needed this. So much work has been done in the past weeks that I can barely fathom it all. Yet it's been done. Well on my way into the world everything is beginning to sink in and take place. This kind of thing is an enjoyable outlet, a blank canvas to just put down what ever it is you wanted. Keep those thoughts from my mind and portray ll that has come to pass through the scope of so narrow a vision. It is here that I slip into darkness and let roam the whiles of my mind. Continuing to grow without limits are these endless waves. Forgiving and forgetting is all I want....it would be so much F**KIN better if I could but I can't. There to stir up trouble once again and all I want to do is ring its neck. Mustn't give into that. It will only give me worse sleep. rest is what I need and it is here that I hope to find it.

I'm looking forward to this movie I'm creating. Both the group project and the....J/H one. Both are looking to be very cool ideas, rough around the edges but finally someplace where I can work and perform my best. He can be a better character with better events, more memorable events at least, to drive the plot. Gotta find something more compelling, more sadistic. Really gotta put this together. Could be my breakthrough film down the road. Would be awesome if it was.

That is all for this night.