Slammed Shut

Shadow collides with stone, the unmoving versus the unknown, a battle lost. Failure to move from shifting ground come so sudden left nothing but chasm beneath the foundation that was the isolated fortress. A gaping abscess with nothing to fill it. The Romantic is locked away for the rest of his life, denied any chance of reprieve, solace. The One From the Past has once again returned to memories where they will remain, not to return. All is grey, washed out, dim gloom gripping without remorse. A cause not sufficient for the consequence, this fortress falls once more to shambles of broken, fragile rock, a ghost of the lost.




.............I don't deserve this.

Challenges of Obstacles

Rising from the oily shadows has emerged a being whose might denies all who approach him from seeing the light of future achievement. Time progressively moves forward, hurtling toward this gargantuan creature with little to no regard whom it has caught in its net. No longer does this fortress of ice rely on cold isolation and grim determination to withstand what would tear down its walls, eyes now open wide, they see the inevitable collision.

Frantic work must be done, yet, residing in solitude this kingdom sits dormant, numb to the impending crisis. So many plans and wishes had for the future, naught to be realized should it remain the way it does, silent. A lone figure stalks the dank, frigid halls, muttering words of unknown to all who would hear, but only the stones do. He brings his own shadow to bear upon the snared parapets, an indecisiveness and anxiety not known for quite some time. The Cynic, with all his accusations and sharp rebukes towards what has been done, mindlessly travels the lengths of corridors spouting as much as he can before his future comes to pass.

Yet another resides within, placed upon the throne, the one who would guide this once forsaken bit of rock to a higher plane of existence. Once moving through half-lidded eyes now are cast abroad to the immense shadow yonder external gates. Before, half-blind to the dangers of the world, sliding around, through, and over all that battered away the cold stone's resolve, wide eyes see and feel the hot breath of the real force of danger approaching, turning once vacant, chilled, mortar to soft, easily moved rock. The Realist faces a new foe in the form of the world, his white knight of Confidence all but side stepping the looming shadow, and all the while the fool, Romantic, plays tunes upon his stings hoping to swoon the One from the Past all the more. Dire straights such as these demand a new course of action...but what?



.............an anchor dragged along the ocean floor.

A New Foe

I encountered a somewhat new type of opponent today. He was a confusing character, not someone that could be gauged or read very easily based on this first encounter. Words spilled from his foul lips and blackened heart which caused me to question certain things I had once held firm in. He circled me constantly, relentlessly, chipping away at my resolve, that thick sheet of ice I had constructed to keep myself shielded. What allowed him to affect me in such as way was the fact that I could not understand where he had come from or what he wanted. Standing there taking these words as both something to analyze and something personally, I was slowly poisoned by their essence. My mind was fraught with confusion.

This constant spiral into what would surly end in the ground tore me every which way as if by a violent whirlwind. My mood went from being curious to frustrated, to panic, as these hideous words and questions echoed throughout my mind, heart and soul. It was devastating. Something like this had never been felt before because this situation had never occurred. I traced the questions back to their origin, questioning their motives and reasoning only to end up at a familiar but old face: Fear. This was no traditional fear but a fear that had twisted itself to be less obvious, less blunt, more sly. Anxiety is the name this new type of fear went by. But how? I'm never stressed about anything. I keep my stress levels at a low at all times to prevent this kind of thing. Ah but I had left one area unchecked as of late, that regarding the One from the Past. Unchecked thoughts and possibilities had been running rampant because I had no idea how to deal with them properly. This created a compounded manifestation that exposed a relatively new vulnerability I had never thought to prepare against.

With the One that Got Away I did a lot of the work, putting too much stock in things and ending up with a barren home, all because I refused to see things for what they were. Doubts I should have had back then have appeared for fear of such a thing happening again. It may. It's entirely possible but I know what to look for now. This is also a completely different type of relationship compared to the other one. Changing, in minor form, to better interact with a person whom you care about but not receiving the same change is the origin of this anxiety.




................this is not a one-way street.

Withdrawal

It sneaks up when you least expect it to appear. Those sickly feeling tendrils of needing that fix, that thing that's always there that you care about so much. It has finally shown its face to which I say, "Be gone!" There is still a month yet to traverse before the proper dosage can be administered.

However it helps to bolster one's resolve when the clearing is finally reached. It also serves to confirm the existence of some deeper attachment, something that has been growing as noted before. Encouraging even if slightly painful. I do this for the One from the Past.


..............they will not be idle hands.

Learning Experience

I'm amazed that I could have such a revelation about things now at this point in time. The One from the Past turned out to be a lot more than I expected in the best way possible. The feeling I have with her is much different from that of the One that Got Away. Very different. And I'm glad it is.

After pining away for so long trying to get her, the One that Got Away, I managed to start something with her. It was an amazing and almost insane feeling as my previous posts would confess. The euphoria that was felt after she said 'yes' was mind-numbingly strong. I don't feel that with the One from the Past...yet. I believe that because I worked so hard to try and get someone that was trying not to get got it turned into a game that I won. I had accomplished the feat I'd been working at for so long, her specifically. Looking back I realize that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She wanted to go out and live life to the fullest, which I can understand and encourage, however she didn't want to have to worry about someone else while she did. I was prepared to join her on her quest to carpe diem but she wouldn't have me. Unfortunate but true. What's sadder is that I don't think she understood that. Or if she did she chose to ignore it. I just wish she would have told me outright is all. After all the talk about maturity...I should have seen that one coming.

The new feeling however is different in that it's a growing feeling. I can already tell. There isn't an overwhelming sense of electricity but more like a hum or energy. It's there but just needs the proper conduit to be built so it might be fully utilized. I like this feeling much more than the other one. This feels grounded, understanding, and comprehensive; it understands. Despite the challenges we face ahead of us we'll do what we can to make things work, we like each other too much not to at least put up some form of a fight. I'm looking forward to where this leads. We've already done so much yet there's plenty more to discover with one another. It's refreshing.




.......interesting experience dead ahead.

A Setup

Why do I get myself into these situations? How do I? There must be something in me compelling me to go out and set myself up for failure/disappointment. Twice now I've chosen to go out on a limb only to be smacked around by the likes of time and all its frustrating annoyances.

Talking with the One from the Past we've both told one another that we have a mutual interest, one that we would very much like to see grow and develop. There exists but one problem and that lies smack dab between us, all 3,000+ of it. And once again time becomes both my enemy and ally. Time keeps the future at bay while also spurring it to hurry towards me at a blinding pace. I know no one said this would be easy but this...2 failures in success is  not what I was expecting. My life's existence of being a contradiction seems to be remaining constant.

Once gain the toils of those wrapped around Time's finger go unnoticed; crying out like the grains of sand that they are.

.................he bends and he breaks.

Pause for a Moment to Reflect

A new character has entered into the scene and they go by The One from the Past. An unlikely reappearance but a welcome one nonetheless. However she caught me off guard and things seemed to be heading in a desirable direction but I have not yet evaluated the motives behind my desire to see things move forward. I need more time to be around and interact with her to fully form a mental image.

After 2 encounters and various online interactions an interesting night occurred. A mutually enjoyable situation arose for the both of us that seemed to foreshadow a potential future but she had to return to her place of work some distance away. It is only after she departed that I feel an ache. Even typing this now I feel wretched. I don't put myself into these situations because I know there can be very volatile outcomes if things haven't been evaluated properly and they hadn't been. These kinds of things should happen after a proper evaluation has been made so that it does not skew the result.

Now what I've done is put myself on the receiving end of the situation I had earlier this year. As amusing as it is the fact that things must now be sifted and examined even more closely both annoys me and concerns me. I've made more work for myself simply by not adhering to the same structure I've used to guide myself thus far. My main concern is that I may be leading  under false pretenses, the worst outcome and last thing I would wish to have happen. 

Perhaps this is the time to evaluate the situation properly. With her gone there is plenty to examine and more than enough time to make a call. The current situation needs to be taken into proper account as well as what the future may hold. Unfortunately the future is unknown right now, she may even end up staying on the far end of things. What you are doing is putting too much stock into a single moment that, while it means a good deal to you, it doesn't hold nearly as much weight in the grand scheme of things. Who knows, things could continue down this road as is. The point is, stop, take a breath, and calmly look at things objectively just like you've always done. You will find your answer. Also don't forget to ask the Man Upstairs for a little help. We both know you could use it.

............committed in the heat of passion.

The Color Green

A sick and ugly thing the twisted root of jealousy. It brings with it that feeling of something lost that was rightfully mine.

..........God damn you.

Something Done Right

It's amazing when I think about it. I actually did something right when I had never been in that given situation before. How in the world...? I simply can't fathom this new info to the point where it's almost alien, if it already isn't.

Everything I did was in hopes that the outcome would be worth it and it was. Yes it ended prematurely but it was a feeling I had never experienced before. Euphoria is how I decribed it and she felt it too! I tried. I succeeded. I failed. An unfortunate end but there is still hope for down the line. This adds to the meaning.

Dead to rights MINE! THAT'S what that was! What should have been mine, everything worked, things were mutual, it was the ONE thing...I guess not everything worked out. Here's where I get a bit preachy bc I know it wasn't my doing that got me this far. God above had a hand in all this. I know He did. I had no idea what I was doing, it was a 'play by ear' sort of thing and He gave me all the notes. I prayed about this situation before hand, asking for guidance in what to do and He answered with some of the best time in my life. I thank Him.

Then there's the matter of separating. Every cloud has its silver lining and I believe I found it. Talking with her has turned my wavering held breath into a solid one because of how she felt. Knowing that I did things right adds a whole new support to what I had previously constructed. And you know what? I've called this a taste test. Before entering into things I prayed, like I mentioned. My previous posts will show how alone and empty I felt and it needed fixing because it was tearing me apart. God guided me into this relationship, then guided me out, knowing I would be filled to the brim and wanting more. Not to make Him sound like He's toying with me though. Both of us were busy with our paths of life and it would have been crazy to maintain anything. I believe that once established, like I originally planned, things can be picked back up again. I do so honestly believe that. However, I will not remain idle, for that would be foolish. I don't know what God will have in store later or how things will work. This life won't go to waste.

..........I never thought it could be done.

Lack of Escape

It seems like it's been a while since I last opened the valve of waking mind but only a short month has gone by. What's better is that there has been no cause or need to spill this mind upon the virtual page until tonight.

 The oddest thing set me off...a fan-fiction. Rarely do I pay any attention to such things but for some reason I stopped to read this one tonight and ended up down this dark road of memories again. Sitting here picking at my scars once again, for that's what they have finally become, the dull ache returns and I am transported back to it all. Being together, having that wholeness, finally finding that thing that would take up my wandering mind...all back again. There but stands one glaring memory separated from the rest spurred by this fan-fic, that of a single kiss. It was the first kiss I received from her, caught unawares I stood dumbstruck then smiled a big stupid smile as I held her. To have that again...

 Alas I cannot wear out the memory. These fade over time should they be dredged up from the lockbox and I would not have that happen. For the most part I have healed but a memory such as this needs to be kept as warm as the day it was created. There are no more words for this page. I only hope to find solace in slumber, hoping memories do not give way to nightmares. To fall fast asleep in no time at all would be a mercy most pleasant.


......"I will always be here for the rest of my life."

Frame of Mind

Looking back at those words, lightly picking at the still healing scab, I feel the faint glow of how happy I was. Not to say I'm depressed but that I feel the whole happiness I once had. It's a rare thing and those words will hold that frame of mind until I die. They matter that much.

..........removed from reality.

Give me a Sign

The tired cliche of "a fire burning in my heart" rings true now more than ever. I know why it's used as often as it is, because it's exactly what it feels like. There burns within me a sensation that feels as if it would consume everything it touches were I not in control. It drove me to the edge of my sanity when I first felt it and it does so once again. This time is different however. It's changed and is no longer a roaring inferno threatening to dissolve my sanity. What once was a fire used to light the way has become a glow of embers used to keep you warm in the back of my mind, something I must wait to be ready. I promised I would live my life and I intend to do so. What I didn't say is you're worth waiting for.

For the Sake of Memory

This weekend turned out to be one of many chapters beginning, ending, continuing, and stopping due to not knowing how to proceed.

Working with my friend to fix up his vehicle, I realized how cathartic it can be. People do this as often as they do because it keeps both their hands and minds busy. I could not think of a more perfect activity to do at this point in time. There seems to be nothing but turbulence going on right now and it's shown much of what lies beneath.

I put this behind me, however, because there is work to be done. School is demanding that I pay attention to it once again and I can't afford to leave it unattended...my gawd I sound just like her. Even though we never truly stop growing this period ends on a note of solidarity, understanding, and shuttered heartache.

Pushing forward I have taken steps to mend bridges left out in the rain for too long. These thoughts were finally brought to the One of Two. I realized that I needed to share what was going on because it's what I've done all my life and it's only yielded good results. Being honest, open, and direct is the best way to fully have an understanding with someone and that was accomplished. Then there's the case of the Little One who makes me out to be one of his greatest heroes. I don't know what I've done to deserve this kind of attention or affection but it warms my heart in new ways. I need to make sure his gaze is not neglected. I'm proud of him.

For now the path I once walked has been blocked. No longer do I walk along hand in hand, you've taken the fork that runs parallel to mine but does not intersect as far as I can see. I pick at these scabs and scars not in the hopes that one day you'll notice the bleeding, no that would not be acceptable of me. Instead it is to keep the memories alive and make them as permanent as I possibly can. Something that truly made me feel complete for once in my life was taken from me...the memories will not die. But the scabs are turning to scars, no longer able to be picked at. A simple mercy.

"......however much he may love you, he is only here because she is not."

Shattered Fortress

Finally after waiting through the years, watching others dabble, seeing the smiles, the heartbreak, the depth, the shallowness, you were handed the key to the fortress. You welcomed it as I welcomed you but we both knew about the shadow you brought with you. The sheets of ice you managed to clear away in one night that had taken years to construct. It amazed me to feel what I had so longed for. The One That Got Away was finally home. But it was not to last. Soon the shadow that I feared grew to engulf the fortress and bring it crashing down around me...around us. Once a beautiful place of safety, comfort, and pride now a smoldering wreckage of what had been.

All was not lost. For you helped me to pick up the pieces...not entirely but enough to keep the fires of what we had had alive. You left, pulled back into the world by the shadow. I don't blame you, I never could or will. We knew the risks, the price, and we continued forward. For the time that this place was finally warm and full it was so very worth it. We still have the foundation to build from but that will take time, something it seems you never have enough of but I have in abundance. I will rebuild for there is a kingdom left to rule that must continue on. Know that I will be here, within this fortress of ice, waiting for it to be melted again for the final time.

For The Sake of Memory

This time needs to remembered so I never forget it. I highly doubt that will happen as it has added another scar to this already calloused heart. After waiting through 7 years, closer to 8, I finally entered into a relationship deemed worthy of lasting but as things turned out that didn't happen. It wasn't a lack of feeling on her end or anything but a concern that she wouldn't be able to keep up her end of things. Much like I viewed relationships during my HS years she sees them as something that can wait so that she can make sure her life is in proper order. A respectable and understandable way of thinking. We couldn't see the future but we both knew things had the potential to end up bad, which they did.

She meant everything to me. She still does. Which is why I'm grateful that instead of completely cutting things off and never having a chance ever again we remain friends. Yes it would seem like a fool's game to play, an extremely one sided gamble, but in this case I know that it is not. It is for this reason that I will enter the waiting game once again. However I will not wait exclusively for that would waste a life left to live. She will always be on my mind and in my heart but in that reserved spot that says, "I will do anything and everything for you until you're ready. I will be here when you need me to be." Speaking to myself for a moment...You will move on, not forgetting but not remaining stuck, and you will work to the end that you know you can achieve. It's real. It's there. All you need to do is make sure there is a future there for it to take hold and grow into what you know it can be. THAT is what you must do now. Grab the ice, put it on thick, and work through the storm.

"...I'll stand by your side, close my eyes hope will never die."

Training Day

Having only 3 days to spend with the person I cared most about in the world before heading back to reality, school in this case, was rough. It was more than that though, it showed me the kind of preparation I'd have to take in order to survive in my own head.

In the moments of quiet where I have nothing to do to keep my mind focused on otherwise important issues I feel like how a crazy person must feel. Sanity seems to slip away from my grasp and fragmented thoughts begin to inject themselves into my consciousness, wanting to be listened to. These fragments, I know, come from my lack of experience. She's the one I care the most about in this world. That feeling is amazing and euphoric but I know that if I let it all go at once it will ruin everything I've worked for.

Moderation has been my presiding function, it seems, in life and I think I've done a pretty good job at keeping the right amount of whatever in check while allowing the proper amount. This emotion is completely different I've found out because...I completely care for this person. It also has to deal with having waited so long, been out of the game biding my time for the right person and now I've finally found someone. It's much like the end of a long run or race, you've reached the front of e pack and can see the finish line but you aren't done yet. I know I need to keep my vigilance up and train myself to not undergo this dramatic change. More time is needed.

...but how much longer can I wait?

What Have I Done...

I'm going to break from my typical fashion of writing, being vague, using metaphors/similes and such things, in favor of focusing on what all is going on. This is more a documentation for myself in the future than anything else. This is about finally connecting and being with the one that got away.

I wouldn't call it bliss but more along the lines of euphoric. A complete and utter feeling of being whole, complete and having a different kind of happiness come from that. It feels like something that has slowly grown from the smallest spark, to an ember, to a flame, and now to a fire. Should that feeling reach a higher level remains to be seen. At the moment I'm perfectly happy and content with where I stand. But it is where I am about to move that pains me.

I'm returning back to school, a good 2 hours away from home and the girl that has brought me so much warmth in so few days. Being such a fresh relationship I fear the worst but hope for the best and use it as a chance to make things stronger. When I get back I have no doubt that I'll be able to switch gears and focus on the tasks at hand that require immediate attention. We both understand this. However I fear the most the thing that could happen: I become just another someone in her mind. There is no fear of another moving in, no. She has my complete and utter trust as I'm sure I do hers.

She kissed me for the first time today...I wish I had looked into her eyes more while I could. I am now seeing a side to her that I didn't know existed, one that was locked away much like mine but only with tighter lock and key. I'm doing all I can to not waste/ruin this precious thing I have. She means everything to me after all.

There will be a definite spring in my step, a confidence not felt ever before, a bright spot in my otherwise darker thoughts. If the memories I've managed to keep have been as powerful as they are then the new ones I've made with her will be all the more powerful. Keeping my heart and all its wants in moderation is not an easy task but one I'm happy to perform for the sake of her. After 7 years of waiting I can rest whole heartedly.

...to deserve such brilliance? I am forever grateful.

Control the World

A world that has been filled, completed, ultimate success has been achieved. Yes it has finally happened and I have a feeling of being full and whole...finally.

Prophetic

I had a dream the other night. It was depressing. In it I failed to talk with and share how much I cared for a certain individual. Normally one would just write it off as a bad dream and go about one's day. Unfortunately it involved 'the one that got away'.

My failure to achieve what I've longed to do even in my own dreams would seem like a prophecy of what is to come. But I don't put stock in such things. Instead what it made me do was look at how this whole situation is affecting me. I'm slowly being torn apart, eaten away at because action of my doing hasn't been performed.

Other related events only help to compound the matter, leaving me with anxious feelings and a dishevled mind. I've made this resolution before with little to show for it but this is different. I know I can succeed because I've done it before.

.....to ask is to receive.