It's been a while. I speak plainly this time around because that is what I need.
I surprised myself. I became so emotionally invested in a story with characters I love and hate that I fell in love with one of them all over again, much farther than I ever had. I understood so much more between when I first heard the story and now, it's almost something else entirely. There are more people and emotions that I can relate to, more pieces that feel as if they've been part of my life, partly because I poured my life into it. I surprised myself.
Tali. That name. Her name. A fictional name. Heh. It's amazing how far gone I became after completing the game. I played the games back to back, rolling from 1 right into the next, something I'd never experienced before, and it had been so long that I essentially re-learned all there was. It was an experience to say the least. But I remembered how much I liked Tali, how much 'better' she seemed as time had gone on and by the end of things I was hating, dreading the decision I had to make. I had made different choices and seen different sides of her character that pulled at my heartstrings, make me love her all over again. It's a testament to her creators and how well-crafted she was. It's still amazing.
By the end of everything, there was no happy ending. Not for me, not for her, not for my avatar. The vehicle I had been living vicariously through to feed the emotional maelstrom I'd found myself in both mentally and emotionally. I wanted a happy ending for her. Needed a happy ending for her. For myself. So I went searching and I found my solace, found the place where both heart and mind could be satisfied and even help manage the same guilt I felt over what the end result had been! It was a miracle. It really was.
But now I find myself with that hollow feeling I once had, back in those days, when I was still laying the bricks of ice. That wholesome, heartwarming, fulfilling kind of love I need to shake the chill from these bones, to leave melted footsteps along the halls of this frigid place I've called my home. Perceived necessity brought me here, contentment kept me here. And here I stay. "Wandering these cold empty corridors screaming [that] magnificent name". That is what I want. That is who I want. And to find that embodied in a person somewhere out there...a dream. Too long I've been alone. I have to leave and find a way out of this place if anything is to ever change. If I am to ever find that love.
I pray. I cry. I fantasize. I delve into my mind, leaving my heart behind so that its ache will be stayed another day. I fell in love. I fell into heartbreak. All of the mind. I don't hate that it happened, it's nice to know that I can still feel that way, but I don't want unrealistic expectations, that does no one any good. I'm glad this is still here, because I needed it. I needed these thoughts out of my mind and from around my heart where they pluck and bleed with the ache they leave.
........................................let it be, let it be
