A New Foe

I encountered a somewhat new type of opponent today. He was a confusing character, not someone that could be gauged or read very easily based on this first encounter. Words spilled from his foul lips and blackened heart which caused me to question certain things I had once held firm in. He circled me constantly, relentlessly, chipping away at my resolve, that thick sheet of ice I had constructed to keep myself shielded. What allowed him to affect me in such as way was the fact that I could not understand where he had come from or what he wanted. Standing there taking these words as both something to analyze and something personally, I was slowly poisoned by their essence. My mind was fraught with confusion.

This constant spiral into what would surly end in the ground tore me every which way as if by a violent whirlwind. My mood went from being curious to frustrated, to panic, as these hideous words and questions echoed throughout my mind, heart and soul. It was devastating. Something like this had never been felt before because this situation had never occurred. I traced the questions back to their origin, questioning their motives and reasoning only to end up at a familiar but old face: Fear. This was no traditional fear but a fear that had twisted itself to be less obvious, less blunt, more sly. Anxiety is the name this new type of fear went by. But how? I'm never stressed about anything. I keep my stress levels at a low at all times to prevent this kind of thing. Ah but I had left one area unchecked as of late, that regarding the One from the Past. Unchecked thoughts and possibilities had been running rampant because I had no idea how to deal with them properly. This created a compounded manifestation that exposed a relatively new vulnerability I had never thought to prepare against.

With the One that Got Away I did a lot of the work, putting too much stock in things and ending up with a barren home, all because I refused to see things for what they were. Doubts I should have had back then have appeared for fear of such a thing happening again. It may. It's entirely possible but I know what to look for now. This is also a completely different type of relationship compared to the other one. Changing, in minor form, to better interact with a person whom you care about but not receiving the same change is the origin of this anxiety.




................this is not a one-way street.

Withdrawal

It sneaks up when you least expect it to appear. Those sickly feeling tendrils of needing that fix, that thing that's always there that you care about so much. It has finally shown its face to which I say, "Be gone!" There is still a month yet to traverse before the proper dosage can be administered.

However it helps to bolster one's resolve when the clearing is finally reached. It also serves to confirm the existence of some deeper attachment, something that has been growing as noted before. Encouraging even if slightly painful. I do this for the One from the Past.


..............they will not be idle hands.