To Feel Apathy Again

 It's been a while. I speak plainly this time around because that is what I need.

I surprised myself. I became so emotionally invested in a story with characters I love and hate that I fell in love with one of them all over again, much farther than I ever had. I understood so much more between when I first heard the story and now, it's almost something else entirely. There are more people and emotions that I can relate to, more pieces that feel as if they've been part of my life, partly because I poured my life into it. I surprised myself. 

Tali. That name. Her name. A fictional name. Heh. It's amazing how far gone I became after completing the game. I played the games back to back, rolling from 1 right into the next, something I'd never experienced before, and it had been so long that I essentially re-learned all there was. It was an experience to say the least. But I remembered how much I liked Tali, how much 'better' she seemed as time had gone on and by the end of things I was hating, dreading the decision I had to make. I had made different choices and seen different sides of her character that pulled at my heartstrings, make me love her all over again. It's a testament to her creators and how well-crafted she was. It's still amazing. 

By the end of everything, there was no happy ending. Not for me, not for her, not for my avatar. The vehicle I had been living vicariously through to feed the emotional maelstrom I'd found myself in both mentally and emotionally. I wanted a happy ending for her. Needed a happy ending for her. For myself. So I went searching and I found my solace, found the place where both heart and mind could be satisfied and even help manage the same guilt I felt over what the end result had been! It was a miracle. It really was. 

But now I find myself with that hollow feeling I once had, back in those days, when I was still laying the bricks of ice. That wholesome, heartwarming, fulfilling kind of love I need to shake the chill from these bones, to leave melted footsteps along the halls of this frigid place I've called my home. Perceived necessity brought me here, contentment kept me here. And here I stay. "Wandering these cold empty corridors screaming [that] magnificent name". That is what I want. That is who I want. And to find that embodied in a person somewhere out there...a dream. Too long I've been alone. I have to leave and find a way out of this place if anything is to ever change. If I am to ever find that love. 

I pray. I cry. I fantasize. I delve into my mind, leaving my heart behind so that its ache will be stayed another day. I fell in love. I fell into heartbreak. All of the mind. I don't hate that it happened, it's nice to know that I can still feel that way, but I don't want unrealistic expectations, that does no one any good. I'm glad this is still here, because I needed it. I needed these thoughts out of my mind and from around my heart where they pluck and bleed with the ache they leave. 

 

........................................let it be, let it be

Reflections Upon Ice

Hmm...a king, huh? There never was a king. There was only ever the Fool that thought he was king of his own heart and mind. How easily such notions change to smother us in the dirt upon which we stand, reminding us from whence we came. And just how much value we hold should we lose sight of ourselves in our isolated kingdoms.

There in the dungeon remains the Fool as the Commoner looks on with weary eyes. Much has changed and transpired since the last record placed here. The One of Two is nearly gone from this life while his supporters continue to aid in his decisions. It still sickens me. I did not speak my mind as I had sought to as they no longer hold a grip upon my heart.

The Commoner now seeks to make right with the people of his own abode, keeping what he possibly can together. The Tall One aids him now as well, performing his due diligence to assure that there is something left to come home to after toiling away in the fields. Very nearly did The Matron force the Commoner out to the wolves with her words of disregard and apathy. Like a stake through the heart it nearly destroyed the Commoner and his abode, all that he had worked to achieve. After his recovery he burned with the fury of a thousand white hot suns focused on a singular being. The People were the only saving grace that kept his bonds shortened enough to prevent any worse harm. How he thanked them.

A French Lass has arrived near the abode and makes life a bit more cheery while around. She moves comfortably around the People and the People enjoy her company. Like a slowly kindled flame the warmth she brings begins to radiate through the humble home, keeping hope alive. However the French Lass is already being toyed with by the Victim. She's already begun to dig her one hand into the French Lass, ignoring the pain caused to the Commoner as she does so with her other. It is something that must be handled but with great care, for they both teeter on balance board.

Ultimately the pondering and scribble of this note are for both memory and airing of grievances. Memories have come flooding back, like a sour meal rejected by the body. The One of Soiled Innocence has been on the mind, most recently, as has all the the pain and misdeeds done to her. As "No Rest For the Guilty" made brutally clear, the things done were the lowest of one's character ever performed. Her "friend". It turns to ashes upon the tongue. How could such a thing have happened? A simple lapse in judgement? No. A willingness to tread blindly into the wood of selfish indulgence. It will haunt you for the rest of your days, Commoner. May you remember it well.

............................forgiveness not found.

Two No More

Everything's come to a head. After asking for a path through this dark wood I've been placed on a path by which I am to endure some of the hardest trials yet. The One of Two is no longer so, but instead The One Learned From. Time has seem to it that I no longer wear the veil of wishful thinking before my eyes. No. I see now who walks in his stead, as well as who follows him. For even if a king is imprisoned, he is still insulated from the world around him. But now that sort of action, or lack thereof, has ended and he must endure the trials before him. I must endure these trials.

The One Learned From delivered an ultimatum, of which I saw coming. His followers and supporters delivered their own message with much scorn and vitriol, something I was not prepared for. Thus is the reason that I must speak my piece and have peace of mind. Their minds are set in old ways so I do not hope to sway them, that is only wishful thinking, something I am done with. I need to know that I've done all I can by communicating as best I can to those that turn a blind eye for the sake of feeling comfortable. Hmm...the mere thought of what they do begins to agitate.  It is at this point that we near climax and wait with baited breath for the smallest movement to topple us in any direction. The Tall One advises against speaking my piece, or his own at the very least, in that no good would come of it. I am of the mind that there is little to no good to be had at this point, as we look about at our dangerous position.

I ask God for guidance, the strength, wisdom, and courage to face these tribulations from my own family. I am but a man and have only so much to give. I will give it my all but I know that it will not be enough. I pray that the hearts of the supporters will be changed and open to what I have to say. Doing what needs to be done comes first, even if at great cost. But what is the cost when it is something that's become sick and blind? One would say all the more reason to keep trying.

...............I give you all the evidence to make of it what you will.

Forced to Move On

So much has happened within the realm of knowledge. Even in the workshop, everyday toils were made enjoyable by those surrounding myself. It was a last bastion of familiarity before it finally came to an end. I've grown to know this place, enjoy this place, even when I hated it. It was familiar. The faces were comforting. And now they are slowly sealed away in their compartment that was that life. Not completely locked away but forever removed and no longer belonging to it. Much like a photograph cannot be relived.

How much I took for granted. How oblivious I was to how much I truly valued my position. Much like being forced to find a new dwelling on my own without the aid and companionship of The Bearded one. Known for all those years and then placed elsewhere in life. I don't fault him for it; his life is his own. It's the pain of the creeping attachment being pulled away much like vine from an old stone wall. Tis my nature that is my undoing and cause of this pain. A pain that will pass but yet is a force pressed within my chest until it passes.

.................how I pray for a place to lay down my own roots.

Suffering Silence

Two kingdoms at war through sheer existance, both bristling when in the pressence of another. Foreign powers know not of the stifling dark held over the other. It remains where is should be, in the past. A past in much need of burning.

I know my limits. After a year they had been reached and then some. To live with the hostility and smothering odor of disregard to one is more than I could bear. Yet I bore it. No place I could call my own without the burn of something detested. There was no home, only pits of habitation. That was then and will forever be then. Nevermore will it ever be 'now'. Leave it to die its much deserved death without the perversion of what now stands.

...................here it lies and here it shall remain.

Amnesia

They came flooding back, like bats before a breaking dawn. Past actions, fleeting moments, and bliss hung together only to be burned by the morning light. What had once been a place of joy had turned back in on itself, into that of apathy.

These memories, not often thought about, still evoke more attachment than what is comfortable. They were good once. Now they are simply regret.

..........................burn the past.

No Rest for the Guilty

The Fool prances and shakes, wallowing in his brief moment of triumph. Oh how the tables have turned and this one knows it. Idle fortress of cold solitude shudders again as its foundations are tested with the king's latest act of shame. Bound in chains he lies trapped, bearing his punishment for so foolishly dropping his guard and indulging in such fruitless activities. Now only the shame and guilt of inflicted pain adorn his head, his new crown. Just penance is due for this crime.

Be you reminded of this feeling should you ever be tempted again. The lashes of a weeping and broken heart are not felt by you this time around but by one you felt compelled to string along. Oh but 'twas not to string along! Simply was it to proceed blindly, unaware as to where such a place would end up. And lo, the destination is one of disgust and a sad state of affairs. The feeling of betrayal is ripe in one's chest...but not yours. Remember this well.

.................a simple lapse in judgment.